[This is a crosspost from a book discussion community on Reddit focused on A Liberated Mind: How to Pivot Toward What Matters.]

Over the past week, I’ve focused on Chapter 13 – The Fifth Pivot – Values – Caring by Choice.

Previous entries in this weekly exercise:

• Introduction (on r/ALiberatedMind)
• Chapter 9 – The First Pivot – Defusion – Putting the Mind on a Leash
• Chapter 10 – The Second Pivot – Self – The Art of Perspective Taking
• Chapter 11 – The Third Pivot – Acceptance – The Art of Perspective Taking
• Chapter 12 – The Fourth Pivot – Presence – Living In The Now

This week was an interesting exercise in really getting down to what Lyman wants and who Lyman wants to be.

It hurt. In a good way.

Like I’ve been doing for the past few weeks, I re-read the chapter last Sunday, did an exercise or two (the VLQ and Values Writing), and continued on with the week, looking for ways that I could incorporate what I’d learned into my daily life.

My depression, anxiety, cravings for cigarettes (and a whole bunch of other stuff) shot up like they haven’t in a while. It wasn’t debilitating like it’s been in the past – but it did suck. And I kept wondering “What the fuck is going on???”

I used the pivots to defuse from the unhelpful thoughts, observed them from the perspective of my Transcendent Self, grounded myself in the present moment, accepted what was going on… all the stuff I’ve learned and really practiced so far.

Doing these things usually helped me feel better. And when they didn’t, they helped me to *feel* better (love that!) and kept me pointed in the direction I wanted to be pointed in.

After re-reading the chapter again yesterday, I realized that there *was* a warning in there about getting emotional throughout the process of looking at values – it may happen, but if a person uses the skills they are learned they’ll get through it. I missed that the first (and second) time reading it, and the first (and second and third and fourth and fifth) time listening to the audio of the chapter on my commute.

Holy crap, could I actually be doing this stuff right? (Thanks, mind! Maybe “Could this stuff really be working?” is more helpful?)

Intrinsic values are not something I’m used to following or developing. I’m the child of two Christian ministers, and our values came from Christ and the Church – we didn’t pick them ourselves (but at least is was from a denomination that actually tried to practice what Christ preached.) When I broke away from that, my values came from my social group – sex, drugs, rock and roll. Then on to AA – get everything from the 12 Steps. Then Buddhism – the 4 Noble truths were what I should live by. OK, how about Stoicism? Let’s try that bad boy now. Now nihilism… might as well have no values if I can’t figure out the right ones, huh?

Really looking at what’s important to Lyman is difficult for me. It’s always been about what’s “right.” Never about what’s important to me, just because it’s important to me.

Marcus Aurelius said “what’s good for the hive is good for the bee.” I think that it’s also true that what’s good for the bee is good for the hive. The bees make up the hive. Fucked up bees equals fucked up hive.

I’m part of the hive. My values are important. To me.

Highlights and Notes from the chapter:

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A clear sense of self-directed meaning provides us with an essentially inexhaustible supply of motivation.

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superficial gratifications

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we don’t trust ourselves to make good choices,

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We fear we might pick a life course we don’t have the necessary qualities to pursue.

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We also worry that our values may be out of step with cultural norms, leading us to be looked down on, left out, or even ridiculed.

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our sense of self is fused with
Note: Defusion – Self – Values

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Most commonly of all, we turn away from our true values because of past pain we want to avoid.

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all forms of psychological rigidity show up inside our mishandling of the yearning for meaning and self-direction.

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sensory gratification,

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The Values pivot allows us to redirect our yearning for meaning toward the pursuit of the activities that align with what we truly find meaningful.

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Pain is like a flashlight if we know where to point the beam.

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“What would I have to not care about for this not to hurt?”

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In your pain you find your values, and in your avoidance, you find your values disconnection.

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defusing from judgment,

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“because I choose to.”

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All choices are informed by our history.

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It will start berating us—“See I told you, you’re no good. You’re a hypocrite, a charlatan.” We may also get caught up in excessively evaluating whether we’ve chosen the right values, ruminating over whether they’re really our “true values.” With the ability to disregard these unhelpful messages, values work is freeing rather than punishing.

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living lovingly, playfully, kindly, compassionately, protectively, persistently, and faithfully.

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Values are always in the now.

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Living day to day according to our values is enormously rewarding.

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When people are focusing primarily on future achievement, or what they want or “must get,” they miss the richness of life in the present; the yearning for orientation is thwarted.

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feeling fully liberated him to do what he really cared about.
Note: *feeling* fully liberates us, no matter the tone – “good” “bad” “comfortable” “uncomfortable” – just fucking feel them to be free

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Don’t be surprised if you find yourself getting unexpectedly emotional over the next few days, or cranky, or anxious.
Note: Oh yeah… actually missed this line at first – then I wondered “Why am I so damn depressed?” The other pivots seemed to have more of an immediate positive in the moment emotional lift. But now we’re getting deeper, and it’s getting a little more difficult. Totally worth it, though.

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we hurt where we care,

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Research has shown that values writing has more impact on behavior and health than just asking people to pick their values from a list or state them in a few words.

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Actual behavior.

[This is a crosspost from a book discussion community on Reddit focused on A Liberated Mind: How to Pivot Toward What Matters.]

Over the past week, I’ve focused on Chapter 12 – The Fourth Pivot – Presence – Living In The Now.

The previous entries in this weekly exercise are:

• Introduction
• Chapter 9 – The First Pivot – Defusion – Putting the Mind on a Leash
• Chapter 10 – The Second Pivot – Self – The Art of Perspective Taking
• Chapter 11 – The Third Pivot – Acceptance – The Art of Perspective Taking

My favorite thing about this chapter was how it took mindfulness out of the woo-woo and into the real world. It’s a real psychological flexibility skill that can have a dramatic effect on people’s quality of life – and it doesn’t have to have anything to do with meditation. Formal meditation just happens to be a tool that can be used to develop mindfulness.

Personally, I enjoy meditating, and I think that it’s brought me benefits. I’ve been doing it for a long time, really consistently over the past few years. At times, I *have* used it as an escape from the world, but my experience agrees with what Dr. Hayes says – you’ll get the most benefit from it if you use it to develop psychological flexibility.

One thing that really struck me about some of the techniques mentioned in this chapter was how similar they were to those taught by Shinzen Young, founder of the Unified Mindfulness system. UM can be a little strange to people who have only practiced “follow the breath” or mantra based meditations. Shinzen teaches people to engage with the world, not hide from it. Mindfulness of shit is just as important as mindfulness of flowers.

A quick personal note on my Big Three – still successful with the vaping, but no movement on the other two. And I’m good with that – one thing at a time.

—

Highlights and notes from Chapter 12:

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It’s as if we’re playing tennis while wearing sunglasses with a lens that’s been rubbed with sandpaper.

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you missed it.

Note: And you’ll never ever ever ever get it back.

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pivot toward presence,

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not only from the impulse to avoid suffering but also from a positive yearning—the deep desire to know where we are in our life journey.

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our problem-solving mind tries to orient us by ruminating about what’s happened in our past and worrying about what will happen in our future.

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cognitive weeds

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Jon defines mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.”

Note: Shinzen: “Concentration, Clarity, Equanimity.” Purpose is outside the (his?) scope, since the “purpose” could be anything (at least that’s what it seems to me). But if our “purpose” is to be human, it’s already built into the definition.

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I think he is saying that our awareness should be directed toward being here and now so as to live the life we intend. Mindfulness is in no way an escape from the pressures and worries, hopes and fears of our lives.

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Practicing defusion, connecting with our transcendent self, and opening to acceptance all assist with being nonjudgmental and keeping our minds from slipping into rumination or worry.

Note: They’re all connected.

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not practicing mindfulness as a form of avoidance

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selfish meditators

Note: That’s me!

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avoidant meditators

Note:That’s me!

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Some even become obsessive about their contemplative practice, turning into virtual meditation junkies.

Note: I’m glad I never had the stamina to push through the hard parts to get to this point. Always wanted to, though… so that I could avoid my life.

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Research shows that meditation is most fruitful when practiced with the aim of building flexibility skills,

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Meditation’s benefits come specifically from using the practice to build attentional flexibility on purpose

Note: Again, Shinzen. The idea of “thinking” while meditating was so foreign to me, yet so beneficial. Then I stopped, because it got hard. I’m really glad I’ve started again.

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we need to watch out that our minds don’t turn this helpful process into yet another method of avoidance.

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several desperate years inadvertently using mindfulness practices as a method of avoidance or problem solving.

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girlfriend—“I hope that same thing happening in class does not happen here!”

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“I was washed over with the relief of knowing that I could drop the search for the magic bullet.”

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not ask it to change one bit.

Note: (the fear) – just notice it, don’t distract from it by “following the breath.” Not that that isn’t beneficial, but even that can be used to avoid.

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“There are days when it feels like my mind is just throwing the kitchen sink at me. But it’s easier to take it less seriously now.

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only about 7 percent of its benefits are determined by the sheer amount of practice.

Note: you don’t have to do 2 hour a day!

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If you do not yet have a more complicated form of practice,

Note: It’s ok… you can use what works for you. You don’t have to back to the beginning. Use what you’ve learned in the past (even if it was being misused in many instances) to recognize the perfect now.

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Consistent practice is key to lasting results.

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call on them at any moment when you find your attention being unhelpfully pulled into the past or future.

Note: Micro Hits!

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Consider sticking to a daily flexibility practice as your first commitment to living your more values-based life.

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Open Focus.

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focus on the physical or temporal space between the events:

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I’M BEAT.

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Interpretations, Memories, Bodily sensations, Emotions, Action urges, and Thoughts of other kinds (such as predictions and evaluations).

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Deliberately bring a memory to mind and then say to yourself, “Now I’m remembering that . . .,” continuing the statement by briefly describing the memory in one short sentence. For example, you might say, “Now I’m remembering that my boss told me I would never amount to anything.”

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This simple phrasing “I’m having the thought that . . .” is a powerful means of bringing defusion into mindfulness, creating a little distance from our thoughts and emotions and impulses that allows us to be in the present moment with them.

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keep paying attention to what you’re doing but also shift some focus to what’s going on inside your body.

Note: Feel In/Out, See In/Out, Hear In/Out

[This is a crosspost from a community on Reddit I’m trying to get off of the ground to discuss the book A Liberated Mind: How to Pivot Toward What Matters.]

Over the past week I focused on Chapter 11 – The Third Pivot – Acceptance – The Art of Perspective Taking.

[Previous entries in this little experiment of mine (just typed “mind” instead of “mine” – ha!): Introduction, Chapter 9 – The First Pivot – Defusion – Putting the Mind on a Leash, and Chapter 10 – The Second Pivot – Self – The Art of Perspective Taking.]

I’m starting to see why ACT wasn’t seeming to work on some of my issues in the past – specifically the Big Three (vaping, sleeping, and the other thing) that I’m working on as I go through this project of mind.

I was only using 1/6th of it most of the time.

I had my first real introduction to ACT through Russ Harris’ “The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT”. It’s a fantastic book, and may be a better initial intro to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy/Training than “A Liberated Mind” – at least for the absolute novice. Of course, I can only say that because it was my path – YMMV.

Back then, and probably until I started this project, I was all about Defusion – it seemed to be the answer I’d always been looking for. For years before, I could see the rationality of looking at your thoughts and realizing that some of them aren’t helpful, then detaching from those that weren’t. But I just couldn’t do it – because I didn’t know how.

Enter defusion exercises – here was something that I could actually *do* to unhook from my thoughts. I could stop fighting them, see them for what they are (thoughts, duh), and decide if doing what they told me to do would be helpful.

And I had so much success with it, that I kind of left the others by the wayside, at least in a formal way. I still recognized the Transcendent Self (to a degree), I meditated regularly, I was already familiar with Acceptance (“Amor Fati.” “Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems.”), I kindof knew what was important to me, and *of course* I had to take action (“The source of my Personal Power (c)(tm)”). But when it came to day to day challenges, cravings, emotional upsets and downsets, defusion wasn’t enough.

But I can accept that. I wasn’t ready, and I’ve got a couple of years of practicing defusion under my belt as a result of that. That’s nothing to sneeze at. But in the month and a half since I read the book, my quality of life has freakin’ skyrocketed as a result of using the rest of the pivots (well, the first three so far in on a regular basis).

So anyway – here are my highlights and notes from the chapter on acceptance. Once again, a little different style than the past two times. I was spending too much on formatting the highlights and notes. I’m not going to waste as much time on that now. Just accept it :-).

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the first step in turning toward acceptance is admitting to yourself that the things you’ve been doing to cope with difficulties haven’t been working because their aim is avoidance.
[Close to everything I used was to avoid – avoid the cigarette cravings by trying to shut them down… and the best way to shut them down was to give in to them, as an example.]

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the next steps in acceptance—turning toward your pain and beginning to open up to experiencing it and learning from it.

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“You’re not strong enough for this” <—–That’s me! No it isn’t, it’s just a thought. Doesn’t matter if it’s true, it’s not helpful.

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“This is too hard” <—–That’s me! No it isn’t, it’s just a thought. Doesn’t matter if it’s true, it’s not helpful.

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“Who are you kidding, you’re just a failure!” <—–That’s me! No it isn’t, it’s just a thought. Doesn’t matter if it’s true, it’s not helpful.

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You can begin probing into the underlying motivations of the behavior you want to change.

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our pain is due to a healthy yearning.

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We yearn for experiences that make us feel.
[I could never admit that in the past. Feelings are for pussies, feelings make you weak. No, feelings make you human, and dealing with them, recognizing their positive power, and using *all* them to my advantage and for the betterment of the universe is awesome. Killing the uncomfortable ones with alcohol, empty sex, nicotine, religion, personal development, meditation, or any of the other hundreds of methods I used just made my life worse in the long run. The first acceptance I needed to practice was the basic acceptance that I’m a human being.]

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Acceptance instead helps us spread our arms wide and take the bad (so-called) with the good (so-called) and open up our capacity to feel, sense, and remember.
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emotional flexibility.
[It ain’t all about the intellect.]

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as we develop the skill of acceptance, we can keep doing a better job of feeling and experiencing.
[Never thought about acceptance like this. I’ve been familiar with the concept for a long time – AA taught me about it – but once again, even that can be used to (try to) kill off of the negative feelings I have about something.]

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Our problem-solving minds think avoiding painful memories and current experiences is eminently logical, but this shows again why it is an impossible task. Cold reminds us of hot; love can remind us of rape.
[This. Is. Gold.]

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“I’ve learned there is more to me than my intellect,” she says. “I’ve learned how to feel.”
[Thank you. Me too, slowly but surely (or not so surely.)

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I’ve been on an exciting journey of learning that it is OK to be me.”
[That’s where it’s at for me. That’s what I want to know in my bones, that it’s OK to be me, but the Dictator still gets me and tells me that it isn’t. But even that’s OK, because the Dictator is a part of me, so I’ll work on being OK with him as well.]

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“I know it will never be done. It doesn’t have to be. I’m not damaged goods. I’m not broken. I’m learning and growing, and that is enough.”
[It never has to be done.]

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The gift we receive when we choose to accept our experience, pain and all, is the wisdom of being able to feel and remember fully in the present, without disappearing into a negative thought network about the past.

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observe, describe, and accept

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fundamental to the process of exposure is the understanding that progress will be gradual.
[But I want it nooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwww.]

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That’s why ACT adds the practice of defusion to exposure: to quiet the Dictator’s commands to avoid.
[Again… it seems that using the pivots together rather than in isolation really increases their power.]

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The single biggest step in embracing acceptance is appreciating how dangerous avoidance really is.
[This really hit me. I’ll sometimes hear the excuse of “OK, I won’t smoke, but in that case I deserve to do this other not so helpful thing.” No. Planning to avoid, no matter how innocuous it seems, isn’t just a little less bad – it’s freaking *dangerous*. Of course, if it’s already happened, just move on. But I personally need to watch out for that “plan to fail less.”]

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An important modification that ACT made to exposure is to instruct that it take place in the service of valued action. Don’t go to the mall just to expose yourself to the anxiety of being in a mall; go with the purpose of buying a gift for a loved one.
[Again… the pivots together work a thousand time (approximately) better than in isolation.]

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attending to the present moment rather than slipping into avoidant thoughts and emotions.

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The point is not to simply distract them from their anxiety. It is to show them that they can be OK enough with their anxiety to refocus their minds.
[Distraction can be a temporary band-aid, but using aspirin to treat a brain tumor isn’t the best idea.]

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acceptance rather than avoidance

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Acceptance involves an abandonment of conscious control—you just open the valve in safe circumstances. You have to let the emotion be what it will be.
[The “abandonment of conscious control.” Using it as a method of conscious control just doesn’t work – I know from past experience.]

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Others can wait until you’ve developed greater flexibility.
[One of my Big Three is the vaping. I’m using the nicotine gum to help. It’s a process, a process that takes time. And that’s OK, no matter how much the Dictator is telling me that I’m no better off, and really a failure, for using it – even though I HAVEN’T VAPED OR SMOKED IN 2 WEEKS AND THREE DAYS NOW! NRT never worked in the past – combining it with the pivots has worked well.]

Thanks for reading – thoughts?

[This is a crosspost from a community on Reddit discussing the book A Liberated Mind. Made sense to post it here as well.]

Like I said in my previous post, I’m working through the six pivots from A Liberated Mind over the next six weeks. And I said I would apply these both to everyday situations, as well as my specific issues related to nicotine, sleep, and the “other thing.”

Nicotine – holy shit! I haven’t vaped in 75 hours! WTFF! I am using the gum (4mg), but I’ve used the gum before with little to no success. For me, 75 hours does not constitute a “little” success. After 30+ years of Marlboro Reds, then about 5 years of ecigs (the last 6 months on the Juul), this is freakin’ huge. I have to constantly defuse from Ms. Mind (I’m a male, but calling my mind female gives me a little more distance) because she doesn’t think I’m really doing it since I’m using the gum – she’s just trying to be helpful.

Sleep – meh. Maybe a little change, but dropping the vapes is probably interfering with it as well. Not so much defusion on this one as some of the exercises from Guy Meadows “The Sleep Book.”
“The Other Thing” – No real application, so no real change.

I’m posting an edited version of my highlights and notes below. Hope there isn’t too much – the last thing I want to do is violate Dr. Hayes’ copyrights.

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We learn to become more cognizant of the automaticity of our thoughts and to watch the ones that aren’t helpful from a distance, as if to tell the Dictator Within, “Thanks, but I’ve got this covered.”

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The critical voice and its commands don’t go away, but we see them more as the products of our mental mechanisms, like the pronouncements of the contraption created by the Wizard of Oz. We don’t need to argue with our thoughts. It’s more like putting the mind on a leash.

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This is the yearning to create coherence and understanding out of our mental cacophony.

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Not only is the desire for coherence natural, but ACT can satisfy it if we stop expecting “untidy” thoughts and feelings to go away.

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If we’re seeking to make our self-story coherent so that it conforms to social expectations, it’s time to stop investing in that goal.
My Note: Even if it’s too rebel against social expectations, simply for the sake of rebelling

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But there is a constructive kind of coherence that is just a pivot away: that of paying attention to the thoughts that are useful to us for living in accordance with our values, and letting go of a focus on thoughts that are unhelpful.

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trust function over form.

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accept how chaotic our thinking can be and direct our attention and our behavior toward thoughts that are useful.

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watching her thoughts from a distance with a sense of open curiosity.

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function over form.
[“function over form” really struck me… obs]

[Since I’m using the Kindle version of the book, I highlighted my answers to the Cognitive Fusion Questionnaire (pg. 188) on my first read through. I’ll give it some time and take it again in the future. I scored myself at 5, 4, 7, 6, 5, 6, and 4, which gave me an overall score of 37… doh!]

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Your thoughts seem predictable. You’ve had them plenty of times before, so much so that they seem to be part of who you are. Make a note of these thoughts, actually writing them down, and you can practice defusing from them over time.
My Note: “they seem to be a part of who you are” – highlight this one twice!

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highly comparative and evaluativeH

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When your mind is just noting what is effective—seeking functional coherence—once you notice it, the review quiets.
Note: again with the functional coherence – I think that concept has really helped me. My thoughts can be completely jumbled in the background – just develop the ability to be coherent in the foreground.h

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overbusy mode

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lots of contradictions

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(“You are wrong, you do not need that donut! It will make you fat. Well, even fatter. That’s why people avoid you. Oh, come on, it’s just a donut . . .”).
My Note: replace “donut” with “hit off of my Juul.” replace “fat” with “sick and addicted and in chains to the man.” The man – lol.

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The goal is not just to make the specific pivot, it’s to learn the dance.

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literal coherence

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The goal is progress, not perfection.

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Disobey on Purpose

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the mind’s power over you is an illusion

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You can easily build this into your life as a regular practice (right now I’m thinking, I cannot type this sentence! I can’t!).
My Note: I can’t take this note. Nope, can’t do it. I can’t type this, I can’t form a coherent thought about this! And I especially can’t save this note…

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Even Mr. Mind or Ms. Mind will do.
My Note: Since I’m male, maybe I should start calling it “Ms. Mind” just to provide a little more distance?

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Appreciate What Your Mind Is Trying to Do

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“I really get that you are trying to be of use, so thank you for that.
My Note: Ms. Mind is just trying to keep me alive and functional, the best way it knows how.
Add-on: Not an it!

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Sing It
My Note: First one I started to use from “The Happiness Trap.” Really powerful for me, but I find that sometimes I’m trying to use it to push away the thoughts rather than defuse from them. Pushing them away is just another way of fusing.

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My default is “Happy Birthday.”
My Note: My default is the Brady Bunch theme song – “Here’s the story – of a man named Lyman…. who was thinking that he was gonna fail again….”

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The measure of “success” is not that the thought goes away, or loses all punch and becomes unbelievable. It is that you can see it as a thought, and do so just a bit more clearly.
My Note: Again – I was going for the “go away!” or “get weaker!” – sometimes it happened, sometimes it didn’t.

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The Hand Exercise
My Note: I’ve tried this one a few times, completely in my imagination. Not a regular part of my toolkit yet, but I’m going to try to remember to use it more.

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These words are an echo of your history.

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The Little Kid
My Note: Tried this one a few times too – not a whole lot of success – I’m never sure what I should be saying to the kid.

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You are not ridiculous.

Highlight from pg. 202, Kindle location: 2,709
quite a pile of these badges:
My Note: add “addict” in there, along with the highlighted ones. “lazy” too. and “stupid”. and “retarded” (sorry, that’s the label that comes up.) Add On: “Evil” just popped up too.
These are the badges/labels that I highlighted: unlovable, sick, shameful, untrustworthy, fraud, cruel, liar, pervert, anxious