Past to Future

Warning – super self indulgent me me me post coming up.

Maybe it will help someone out there, if only to let them know that others are out here, we’ve seen some shit ourselves, we’ve been able to move through it, and we care.

This morning, I had the thought that the way I’ve been living has been just plain wrong. I’m going to hit 50 this year, and I’m still ugly, sick, broke, and stupid.

Then, another thought: maybe the things I’ve been doing have been working perfectly. Everything I’ve ever done, everything I’ve experienced from the time I was able to make decisions for myself has brought me to where I am today.

Of course, there are some things that happened to me that I had no control over. Those brought me here too. But I had no control over them, so I couldn’t have “done” them differently anyway – I didn’t do them in the first place. Therefore… no fucks for them.

But…

If I hadn’t gotten so drunk and high before the concert I was supposed to play the lead for my senior year in high school that I passed out just beforehand and couldn’t go on…

If I hadn’t engaged in sexual behavior that was ridiculously physically risky and financially devastating to both me and those who bailed me out…

If I hadn’t gotten myself kicked out of the Navy because I was too scared to commit to sobriety…

If I hadn’t spent most of the 90’s (and some of the 2000’s) in various mental hospitals and rehabs…

If I hadn’t forced my family to move halfway across the country to get away from me…

If I hadn’t run away from more jobs than I’ve had…

… I wouldn’t been where I am today.

… I wouldn’t be *who* I am today.

And you know what?

I like where I am today.

I like who I am today.

I’m not successful by the standards of the marketers of my society, but I’m (finally) ok with that. I’m generally happy. Content, yet still have a desire to grow and improve.

Let’s go over that list that Jim Rohn said to avoid becoming:

Ugly? Really?

Objectively, probably not. But objectivity about one’s physical appearance isn’t possible – eye of the beholder and so forth. Can’t really control that one, barring plastic surgery. So let’s drop ugly into the no fucks given category and move on to…

Broke? Really?

Sure, if you look at it from a straight up financial point of view, a net worth of -30K is pretty forking broke. (Shout out to my fellow Good Place fans!)

But holy shit, I *live* in the goddamn Good Place… *and* I get to fucking curse!

I get to experience:

A wife who I love and who loves me. She’s my best friend and my soulmate.

Family that I love, and who love me.

No shortage of good food to eat, both nutritious and otherwise.

A pretty nice roof over my head.

An income that provides me all of the basics, plus some creature comforts.

Both activities and medication that allow me to maintain my physical and mental health.

That last one seems like a good segue into…

Sick? Really?

From a purely physical point of view, I’ve been blessed with a naturally strong constitution. It’s amazing how healthy I am, considering all of the crazy stuff that I’ve put myself through.

On the mental side, I’m so fucking lucky it’s unbelievable. (BTW, if you don’t think there’s such a thing as depression or mental illness, fuck off now, go educate yourself, and come back when you aren’t an ignorant dingleberry.)

I’m lucky enough to have been born at a time when there is medication that exists that has helped me with my Bipolar II disorder, and to have been born into a part of society where that medication is available to me. AND to have been born at a time and in a place where there are scientifically backed therapeutic resources for people like me.

And finally…

Stupid? Really?

No. I’m not. I’ve done some pretty stupid things, but I’m not stupid. Not that the thought that I’m a dumbass doesn’t still pop into my head from time to time – I just no longer identify with it.

One of the things that I value is the alleviation of suffering, and the increase of fulfillment in the universe for all sentient beings (hat tip to Shinzen Young for the suffering/fulfillment thing).

Maybe one of the ways that I can do that is to share self-absorbent posts like these, to let others know that no matter what you’ve done, no matter what’s been done to you, you can use it as a stepping stone to a better live, both for you and others.

There’s a line in the Big Book of AA that says “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” It’s a beautiful place to be in. You can be there to, if you keep on moving toward it, no matter how slow you go.

 

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