Lyman Reed

Right or Happy?

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May 102012
 

Would you rather be right or happy?

I’ve heard this little saying over and over (and over again) in both personal development and recovery circles, and have always wondered why they are considered to be mutually exclusive.

When a person is right, they have their facts straight.  What they are thinking or saying matches up to reality.

When a person is happy, they feel good.  They are pleased with things as they perceive them to be.

Does this mean that the “rather be right or happy” crowd thinks that people can’t get OK with facts unless their perception is different from the way things actually are, if the facts are unpleasant?

Seems to me that’s exactly what it means.  And that’s not a way that I want to live.

But I used to live that way.  I wanted the “Law of Attraction” to be the truth.  I wanted Christianity to be the truth.  I wanted lots of things to be the truth, but many of them weren’t – or at least there was no evidence that they were.

But according to the “rather be right or happy” idea, I should throw out the idea of the search for truth, and just decide on something that makes me happy.

But guess what – much like heroin, things that just make one happy in the short term can have devastating effects on one’s life in the long run.

Which is why I now choose to be as right as humanly possible, and be happy as humanly possible within the framework of reality.

It has taken some practice, and I’m still full of delusion – but the results I’ve gotten so far seem to indicate that I’m on the right path.  And that makes me happy.

 

 

May 012012
 

In the past, the biggest obstacle to my own personal development has been the ripping apart of myself psychologically when I don’t succeed in doing something that I’ve set out to do.

Instead of simply re-assessing, creating a new plan (or deciding to work the same plan in a different way), and trying again, I tended to say “See, I’m just a piece of shit anyway” and sit around in my muck.

I’m seeing this tendency kick up again with my new look at Kaizen and willpower.

Being aware of my willpower challenges and using Kaizen to avoid overloading myself doesn’t mean that I’m going to be perfect, even if my Kaizen activities are as simple as “clean for 1 minute” or “write on lymanreed.com for 5 minutes.” I may have a bad day, and miss one (or all!) of the daily goals I’ve set for myself, no matter how small they are.

As a human being trying something new, I’m going to fail occasionally. That’s just part of the game of life.

Failure is always in the past – always. Until I’ve labeled it as failure, it’s just another result (there’s another lesson I learned from Tony Robbins). I’m not going say that I can’t fail – that’s just twisting words around to meet my agenda. If I’ve set out to complete goal A by a certain date, and A isn’t accomplished by that date, then I’ve absolutely failed.

But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and it doesn’t mean that I should quit when I do. Whether I quit or try again is always a decision in the moment. The failure is done, gone, in the past, kaput.

I can quit one minute, and unquit the next, quit again, unquit… and as long as I keep on unquitting, the failure is never final.

 

Apr 232012
 

So in my last post, I said I was going to spend more time blogging.  Blogging specifically about my attempts to improve my life using Kaizen.

I realized that never actually defined what Kaizen was, or how I’m going to use it to do the things that I’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t been able to get done.  Yes, a Wikipedia link will give a static explanation, but the important question is “How do we apply it to our own lives?”

Kaizen is a Japanese word means small, regular improvements.  I first learned about it from that personal development guru that I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with, Tony Robbins.  Just like he did with NLP, Robbins took Kaizen and made it his own, turning it into the acronym “CANI” – Constant And Neverending Improvement.

Here’s my problem with CANI – it doesn’t incorporate the idea of small improvements, which are essential to Kaizen.  I’m sure Robbins included that in his descriptions of CANI, but I remember taking it as “huge improvements over and over again.”

The book I just finished reading on Kaizen is called One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way by Robert Maurer.  I first learned about this book from Buster Benson’s Health Month (this is me on there if you are interested.)  It’s really given me a new perspective on the Kaizen idea.

One of the biggest things that struck me from the book is a story about a woman who was encouraged to march in place for just 1 minute a day.

No one is going to get healthy working out for just one minute a day.  But after being told she had to do it for at least 30 minutes a day, most days of the week, and her constantly saying that there simply wasn’t enough time, one minute a day was definitely doable.  And as her brain got used the one minute, she slowly started doing it a little longer, and a little longer, until she was at the recommended amount.

From my own experience, I’ve always thought “Come on, what the hell is that?  One freakin’ minute?  Useless.”  I’d try it, and then give up.  Because I didn’t see the point.

Or I’d try it, and and within a couple of days I was going for an hour instead of a minute.  I was was trying to get to the center of the Tootsie Pop too damn quickly, and breaking my teeth in the process.

Who wants do something if you are going to keep breaking yourself every time you try?

I think the biggest distinction I got from the book was that “You don’t have to quit.  If you try to stretch and can’t quite do it, just go back to the minute.”

Since I was doing he opposite (increasing the size of the work until I was crushed under it’s weight), this was interesting idea.  Don’t quit.  Just keep working toward your goal in smaller chunks.

So contant and neverending improvement doesn’t quite cut it.  Because some days, you won’t improve.  Some days, you’ll fuck up and fail, sometimes even taking a step (or 10) back.

But in Kaizen, we are taking a long view.  And if you can stick to a small change over a long time, it really does add up.  And as that willpower “muscle” gets stronger and stronger, it will become easier and easier to do.

And it will become easier and easier to do more.  Again, this writing is a good example.  I’m up to 5 minutes a day since starting this little experiment a few days back.  Right now that doesn’t seem to be a problem, but if it becomes one, with my new perspective, I’ve got no problem going back to four.  Or even three – because I’ll get more done, and enjoy it more, doing it for 3 minutes a day than I would doing it for zero.

And as a start, anything is better than zero.

[links to amazon.com in this post are affiliate links]

 

Apr 152012
 

Can a person change their life one minute at a time?  Really?  Not just as some silly theory, but for real?

I’m going to see.

I’m going to start with this blog.  For now, just one minute a day, every day.  That’s all I need to do in order to be successful.

I’ve been working with 750words.com, and I’m currently on a 27 day streak (30 as of publishing this) there.  Maybe it’s about time I took what I’ve been working on and brought it out into the world.

And there’s a minute.

And now it’s the next day.  1 minute really isn’t enough.  So we are set for two today.

I want it to be a true two minutes – from clicking on to go to the site, to finding the article I’m working on.  One minute takes care of that, so the next can be actual writing and editing.

And now it’s another day, at 3 minutes.

I’m looking at this like exercise.  Started with a minute, then went to two, now I’m at three.  Three still seems ridiculously doable, with no chance of muscle failure – the muscle I’m referring to being my brain.

And so, after a few days of writing this post, it’s about time to publish.  Thanks for joining me on my Kaizen journey.

Just do me a favor, will you?  If you don’t see another published article from me in the next week or two, give me a little kick in the butt.  I’d appreciate it.

Final day, publishing day.  Yes, I set the alarm for three minutes, but after some editing, categorizing, and finishing up, I’m probably more at six or seven.  Maybe give the kick in the butt thing two weeks – I think I’m going to stick to three minutes a day, at least for a while.

Let’s see where this goes.

 

Apr 032012
 

A couple of weeks ago, I briefly posted that I’d started reading “The Willpower Instinct” by Kelly McGonigal and that I’d write a little more about it when I was finished.

The plan was to read the book as Dr. McGonigal intended – one chapter at a time, mimicking her willpower course at the University of Stanford.

Well, if she wanted me to read it so damn slowly, she shouldn’t have written such an awesome book.

I’ve really backed off from much of the personal development/self help/self development/personal growth stuff lately.  I realized that while I was making some minor progress toward my goals, much of what I was reading, watching, and listening to was, to put it quite frankly, crap.  And my motivation to actually put anything into practice that was not crap was also… well, crap.

There are still a few teachers that I follow on a regular basis – Craig Harper and Tim Brownson come to mind.  (I almost called them gurus, but they’d probably jump down my throat about that one.)  But I’ve dropped my chase after everything personal-growth oriented (it was coming from a place of not being good enough anyway) and decided to, as the great Ron Swanson advises, “Never half-ass two things.  Whole-ass one thing.”

Anyway… back to The Willpower Instinct

This book is definitely *not* crap (how’s that for a ringing endorsement?)  It’s packed with useful tips and techniques for using and strengthening your will (and want, and won’t) power.  It’s also written in an easy to ready, accessible style, with some decent humor thrown in for good measure.

My purpose for writing this article is to share one technique (maybe “attitude” is a better word for it) that I’ve been employing, that has literally changed the way I get things done for the better, and strengthened my willpower when it comes to doing those things that I just don’t want to do.

This idea has to do with procrastination, and how we think of our future selves as these super heroes who will be much stronger, better, and faster at getting things done than we are right now.  It’s usually bullshit, but often we don’t even know we are fooling ourselves – we are just really bad at predicting how we are going to feel in the future.  More often than not, we are much too optimistic about it.

I’ve decided to be a little more kind to future Lyman, and stop putting the weight of the world on his shoulders.  For whatever reason, just bringing to mind that he’s going to have to do this stuff, and there is already more than enough on his plate, gets me moving to take care of it for him.  Now.

Yes, I know… a little strange, talking about my future self in the third person.  But that’s the way we view ourselves in the future – as someone else.  Which is why it’s so hard for us to resist instant gratification – why worry about this stranger when I can take of myself right here and now?

Would you put all of your tasks on someone you love?  Tell them to take care of it, while you go off and do what feels good in the moment?  If not, then don’t do that to your future self either.  S/he’s worth your love and compassion.

This is definitely the most useful idea I’ve gotten from “The Willpower Instinct.”  There are others, but after trying this one out, and having it work so well and so consistently, I just had to share it.  I hope that it helps you to.

[full disclosure statement: links to amazon.com in this post are Amazon.com Associate links.]

 

Mar 142012
 

I’ve just started reading The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It by Kelly Mcgonigal, PhD and I’m already fascinated by it.

I won’t be able to do a proper review of it until I finish the book, but I have set up a new group and discussion of it on Shelfari.  If you’d like to join in the discussion… feel free to drop by!

Jan 312012
 

Today I’m grateful that this will be the last day that I put an Operation Gratitude (or Operation Gratitude II) post up on this blog.

After a week of no posts and contemplating what to do with this little project of mine, I’ve decided that Twitter is a better place for short, simple recognitions of all the good that’s in my life.  The blog is too cumbersome, and the last thing that this needs to become is cumbersome.  It’s supposed to be improving my mental states, not degrading them.

I’ll still use the blog for other writings, including any daily gratitudes that I feel warrant expansion.

Be sure to follow me on Twitter if you are interested in keeping up with the gratitude posts.

 

Jan 232012
 

Today I’m grateful that my 2011 tax returns are already done.

I love Turbo Tax… we got the last piece of paper in the mail less than an hour ago, plugged in the numbers, and both my state and federal returns are done.  No more dropping them off at the post office just before midnight on April 15th.

Technology rocks.

[This is entry 4/365 of Operation Gratitude II: The Grateful Strike Back]